13/01/2017
When love decays
Have you ever slept next to someone alive who suddenly dies?
You open your eyes and you cant see the person breathing
Mustering all the energy you have and whatever you've learned in med school- you start CPR
Trying to keep your head clear, only the song ah ah ah ah staying alive staying alive by the BeeGees being forced to play so that you can follow the rhythm, follow the steps to revive, resuscitate
Days, even weeks pass in this stage of denial
Your shoulders and back hurt as you push into the sternum of your beloved
It takes ages before you realize, he won't ever be revived
Gasping for breath you stop and fall back on your pillow,
cycles of wailing, crying,weeping,sobbing repeat in mixed patterns again and again
You are angry, you have tried your best, you say to yourself.
Gazing into the blank plastered eyes, which once saw nothing but you
How did this happen? I did everything right.
Memories, come in waves,
One minute I'm in bed grieving my loss, the next I'm swept into the ocean
Forgetting how to swim, heaviness pushing me to the depths of the sea bed, water filling my lungs, no space to exhale aannd baam
I'm back in bed, with the corpse of my lover next to me.
I numb the pain by letting sleep take me into its arms, swinging from dreams to nightmares, so much so that I cant say one from the other.
to and fro, I have no control over this pendulum
The times you wake up are the worst.
Because reality cannot be dismissed as "it was just a dream"
I wake up to a peculiar smell.
The smell of rotting flesh
This is when I start to pray.
This isn't happening, this isn't fair.
I loved someone, why is he now in Satan's lair?
Take everything from me,my lord. Just bring him back, I beg.
My lord stays silent.
The only thing that speaks is the scent of flesh leaving bones.
Whatever skin left now is purple and pale. Blank eyes staring into nothingness.
Putrification is a language I wish no one is ever spoken to.
My breathing now shallow, I only observe, how he lies in himself, every part of him giving up.
I run my hand through his hair,
only to face immense despair.
Strands entangled on my fingers remain
when I pull my hand closer to my heart in pain.
Staring down at what's left of what once was mine,
never did I imagine the fate i'v been assigned.
I sway, Sometimes floating, mid air and in waters deep,
my demons rejoicing,
drinking from the corners of my eyes as I weep.
When one of your senses is compromised, the others heighten they say
Blinded by tears I sense something unusual... There is no smell any more.
Draining the ever filling well of my eyes,
I glance in the direction of my beloved's carcass,
He isn't there... Not even bones... How much time has passed?
The ghost of him still lingers, taking over my soul from time to time.
Coping mechanisms come into play,
I exorcise myself from what he left behind
in hopes that one day I'll be free..
I feel free....am I dreaming?
Did someone really lie beside me once?
The sheets on that side are not as smooth, I wonder why...
I wake up and look into the mirror, it's me.
It has always been only Me.
Just me
-Rabab Khursheed
